Let me frame this right out of the gate by saying that beginning today (i.e. right now), and continuing each and every day until your beloved wife finally clenches your new child in her arms, I need you as an expecting adoptive father to think of yourself as a professional bull rider……..and……your wife is the BULL!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this sport, bull riding is a dangerous rodeo sport that involves a rider getting on a large bull and attempting to stay mounted for at least 8 seconds while the animal attempts to buck off the rider. The rider tightly fastens one hand to the bull with a long braided rope. If the rider falls off the bull he risks severe bodily harm (e.g. pierced, broken, crushed). In fact bull riding has been called “the most dangerous eight seconds in all of sports.”

Now at this point I’d like to go on record as saying that being married to a passionate (expecting) adoptive mom is “the most dangerous 12-36 months in marriage”. So climb into the saddle gentlemen and get your hand firmly fastened, because the adoption ride lasts for much longer than eight seconds and if you fall off your bull, you just may get trampled!

I’m sorry ladies, I don’t mean any disrespect here but I need to be straight. I sincerely believe that as a whole you adoptive moms are the most amazing and passionate human beings on earth! I’m convinced that this crazy passion is absolutely necessary because it fuels you through all of the ups and downs of the emotionally draining adoption process; from the first piece of paper ‘chased’ all the way through the moment you finally see your child face to face, feel the warmth of their embrace, and hear the sweet sound their voice. It’s also this crazy passion that makes you, well… ….CRAZY….… like a bull.

Having said all that, here are a few tips for my fellow cowboys to assist you on your adoption ride with your beautiful wives:

1. Hold on tight!

No matter how wild and crazy the ride gets you must remain strong and hang on. No matter how hard she bucks, your wife must know that you’ll always be there for her. She deserves it and she needs the certainty of your strength during this incredibly vulnerable and uncertain period. Bottom line – when she bucks do not retreat, hang in there and ride em cowboy!

2. It’s not about you!

I know it’s hard at times and yes you feel the brunt of the bucking, but she’s not bucking AT you, she’s bucking TO you. And let me be completely clear – she does want you to feel her pain! I don’t know why she does, but she just does, so suck it up and hang in there. I know you didn’t do anything wrong – it’s not about you! She’s just bucking and you happen to be the one she’s most comfortable expressing herself to and being vulnerable. This is a hard concept to get because we assume it’s something that we did (or didn’t do). So let me repeat it – it’s not about you, even if she tells you it is!

3. Take heart, you’re not alone!

Remember that you’re not alone in this sport and this challenge and it’s not unique to your wife. There are plenty of us cowboys (and rodeo clowns) out there doing our best to stay on the bull. Pray for each other!

4. Harness the awesome power of the bull!

You wouldn’t blame an eagle for flying, so don’t blame the bull for bucking! They’re just doing their job, and remember you need to harness their energy and passion in order to get through the ride. Keep your eye on the ultimate prize!

5. Praise God!

When the ride finally ends (and it will) and you experience the joy of seeing your child in your wife’s arms (where he/she belongs), take a few moments to praise God and give thanks for the awesome passion of your wife. A passion that produced one of the greatest gifts imaginable.

Then, take a few deep breaths and prepare yourself.……….because there’s a really good chance……… she’ll want to do it all over again!!

As we sat around our dinner table that night, we were just beginning the process of getting informed on the basics of the country that would present us with our third child – Ethiopia. We had just begun learning about this poor landlocked country situated in the Horn of Africa – bordered by Eritrea to the north, Sudan to the west, Kenya to the south, and Somalia to the east. We learned of a third-world country roughly the size of state of Texas that had been ravaged by HIV/AIDS, famine, poverty, drought and flood, and home to an estimated five million orphans. That’s right, five million orphans.

And one of them was my baby girl Gabrielle.

As we sat around the dinner table that night, we discussed what Gabrielle might want to know someday about her native country, her culture, her heritage, the circumstances, and the reasons. We vividly imagined the day that Gabrielle would approach us, look into our eyes, and ask us THE question:

“What happened to my mother and father?”

As we speculated on how this conversation may unfold, we realized that although we might not have a specific answer to this critical question (unfortunately it’s very common for Ethiopian orphans to be left without a trace of his or her family history) we recognized that we could at least explain the likely circumstances leading her to becoming one of the five million orphans: poverty, disease, hunger. Strangely, this gave us some level of comfort – comfort that we could provide Gabrielle with a rationale (as awful and evil as it is) that might satisfy her need for answers at some level.

BUT our comfort evaporated when we thought further about her next logical question:

“What did you do about it?”

WHOA…. the thought of that question stopped us right in our tracks! It was at that very point that Andrea and I started to realize that this adoption was just the beginning of something much more than simply adding another child to our family.

“What did you do about it?”

Can you imagine getting that question from your little girl and not having an answer? We had to have an answer, a good answer! We could no longer ignore the massive injustice and problems occurring on the continent that was to provide us with our daughter. We now had skin in the game….

“What did you do about it?”

Can you imagine having an awareness of the fact that there are five million orphans in Ethiopia alone and doing NOTHING about it?

“What did you do about it?”

Can you imagine knowing that 5500 Africans die every day of AIDS (a preventable and treatable disease) and doing NOTHING about it?

“What did you do about it?”

Can you imagine knowing that nearly a million Africans die each year of Malaria and doing NOTHING about it?

“What did you do about it?”

I plan on having a really good answer to this question when it comes out my little girl’s mouth. And if it goes well with Gabrielle, I may just repeat my answer the day when I meet God face to face and have to give Him an account….

What’s your answer? (http://www.hopechest.org/)

During the past 15 months as an adoptive father, I’ve been in countless social situations (grocery stores, ball games, birthday parties etc.) with my little girl (Gigi) and have noticed a strange pattern in our culture. People (this includes anyone from friends & family to the average Joe on the street) have a bizarre tendency to talk about adoption as if it’s some sort of solemn secret – in fact the volume of their voice will noticeably decrease when they say the words ‘adopted’, ‘adoption’ etc. It’s like you can be talking to the loudest guy in the room and the conversation will go a little something like this:

Loud Guy: “Wow that little girl’s beautiful, where’s she from?”
Me: “Thanks. She’s from Ethiopia.”
Loud Guy: “Ethiopia, oh wow awesome! Is she adopted? “
Me: “Excuse me I couldn’t hear you, what did you say? No she’s not adopted, she’s ADOPTED!”

Don’t get me wrong I’m not judging Loud Guy – we’ve all made a mistake of this type in one-way shape or form with other people who are ‘different’ than us. My point is that we (as adoptive parents, relatives and/or friends) must break this crazy cycle and interrupt the old cultural pattern. If not, what kind of message are we sending to our adopted children? What kind of message are we sending to others and ourselves? Do you think our children notice these subtleties? You better believe they do!

Simply put, adoption is one of the most beautiful expressions of love that God ever created. It deserves to be celebrated, honored, published and shouted! So say it loud, say it proud!

- Pete